“Hello, Sharks! I’m here today with a lip balm like you’ve never seen before. It only needs to be applied once, and it lasts forever. It’s called…It’s Da Balm! And it’s made out of napalm. On the tables in front of you, you will find a sample of the product. We have had no complaints! Try it please, and I think you’ll be left, as most, completely speechless, lips falling onto the floor.” Mr. Wonderful mumbles as his bottom lip falls off. “Another happy customer!” So, Alec Bohm (3-for-5, 6 RBIs, and his 9th and 10th homer) and Mark Canha (3-for-5.5 RBIs and his 9th and 10th homer) had a dueling two-homer game, both for their 9th and 10th homers. Elias Sports Bureau about to concoct some trivia out of that shizz! Mark Canha’s homers ended up being more important, but you know him. Alec Bohm or Alec Bohm for 2023 fantasy baseball? Do you know him? Maybe, but let’s see. He’s corrected what was hurting him last year in a big way. His Launch Angle (10.7) almost doubled this year, and his flay ball rate, while no one would consider it elite, it’s much better (28.7%). Don’t love that his HardHit% has come down, but it’s still top 50-ish in the league and his exit velo (90 MPH) is solid. Bohm’s 2023 price will be interesting to see, and a buying opportunity might be present. Not sure if a sleeper is in the works, though. He doesn’t feel on the precipice of being jaw-droppingly great. Or lip-droppingly. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Seranthony Dominguez – Hit the IL with triceps soreness. Brutal injury for a Phillies’ pen that was already dealing with acquiring David Robertson (2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 2.20, and his 6th blown save), and trying to find reasons to not use him. Respectively, or rather disrespectively, with good reason, since Robertson showed his true colors yesterday. “They’re shining through!” That’s Cyndi Lauper screaming at her screen. This closer shituation might fall into different, uh, Hand’s. Or Jose Alvarado.
Jose Butto – 4 IP, 7 ER, as he was recalled by the Mets. Fun fact! His name translates to Joe Butt. No relation to Joe Buttdialed, who keeps leaving me the weirdest voicemails.
Brandon Nimmo – 1-for-5 and his 11th homer. Might lose some, Nimmo just found one!
Wander Franco – Dealing with lingering hand soreness after having his hamate bone removed. Everyone else has their hamate bone removed and they become Barry Bonds. Wander has his hamate bone removed and he becomes Barry Gibb.
Drew Rasmussen – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.82. What did you just say? Rasmussen’s gonna be 2023’s McClanahan?! I don’t know if I’d go that far yet! Geez! Neutral your engines!
Nomar Mazara – Designated for assignment. If I may give Nomar Mazara some career counseling. Please continue on if your name is not Nomar Mazara. Hey, Nomar, you there? Just you? Good. Cool stuff how your name backwards is Ramon. You ever look in a mirror and say, “I am Ramon now?” No? Okay. Any hoo! The career counseling, here it is for you: Sign in Korea and you will hit 50 homers there, and become bigger than kim chi and BTS.
Josh Hader – Removed from the Padres’ closer role on Saturday for no reason whatsoever. He’s been great since around July 1st! Really terrific! Wait, I’m thinking about this from the perspective of not rostering him in any fantasy leagues because I don’t believe in paying for expensive closers so when I say he’s been great, I mean from the perspective of me watching him on other people’s fantasy teams being terrible. Just really great! Top notch stuff! I’d look at Luis Garcia first, who got the save on Saturday, but Nick Martinez (1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.10) got his 5th save on Sunday, and might split time with Garcia. Ya know what’s interesting? No matter what Preller does, everyone says, “He’s so smart!” Guys and five girl readers, is he actually smart? Because just the moves he’s done with the Brewers alone don’t seem super “smart.” The drafting of a top closer and the trading of one in real life seem kinda similar. It shows a lack of trusting your ability to get a quality reliever cheaper.
Josh Bell – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, 2nd homer in as many games. Didja you know before Ben Franklin tried the key on the end of the kite, he rubbed himself on the Liberty Bell during a rainstorm to see if that conducted electricity? Bit of a trivia nut myself. Josh Bell doesn’t need friction; he’s just hot.
Sean Manaea – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.64. Hey, whaddya know! Manaea is solid, he just needs to face one of the worst teams of the last ten years.
Michael Wacha – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.28. Ya know what’s kinda cool? People still asking if they should start Wacha, a guy who has a 2.28 ERA. Can I trade you Giolito for your Wacha?
Nick Pivetta – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.24. Not a bad start, unless that was a game set up by Nathan Fielder, with HBO constructing a makeshift stadium, filling it with phony fans, just rehearsing Pivetta being decent.
Dean Kremer – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.45. Since the O’s have a Mountcastle, they should nickname Kremer, Mt. Sinai.
Gerrit Cole – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.41. The tryhardiness (totally a word!) of drafting an ace is similar to what I said above for Hader. It takes a certain level of hand-placing-over-eyes-and-screaming-so-you-can’t-hear-any-different-opinions to think you need Cole when Wacha’s in the same post with a 2.28 ERA.
Andrew Benintendi – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 1st homer since coming over to the Yankees on July 28th, and he was hitting .192 in that time. Across the field, his ex-teammate, Whit Merrifield (1-for-2), hit his 7th homer, and 1st with the Jays, as he hits .237. In other words, the Royals could’ve received back nothing and they won these trades.
Lou Trivino – 2 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 5.31, and the save. Turning to Trivino for saves is very funny to me. He wasn’t even acceptable as a closer for the A’s. Man, the Yanks are just looking more desperate than a guy signing up for a PUA course. Well, Effross has shoulder stiffness, Aroldis is kind of a mess, so I guess you can grab Trivino, but this will absolutely turn out way worse than better.
Brandon Hughes – 1/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.15, as he blew the game, and Rowan Wick (1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 4,38) lost it. Hughes is challenging me after I kinda said, “There’s no one else on the Cubs to close, except Rowan Wick.” And that’s me kinda quoting me! Brandon Hughes has stepped up the last few games prior to yesterday, and actually not done too bad. By the by, JKJ has the Bullpen Chart up-to-date, as always.
Seiya Suzuki – 3-for-3 and his 10th homer. Haha, all I had to do was say (ya) it was time to drop him. Wish I would’ve done that months ago.
Justin Steele – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.25. Streamonator? Sure, if you like. But listen to these ERAs: 3.03, 2.11, 0.79. Those are his last three months. That’s a 2.08 ERA in the last 73 2/3 IP. Season-long numbers: 9.5 K/9, 3.44 xFIP, 51% ground ball rate. Not a ton here to not like, except for maybe his command, 3.6 BB/9.
Keston Hiura – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th and 12th homer. Toe tap? Gone. Insane leg kick? Gone. Batting stance? Closed. Keston Hiura fixed? *takes a forty-five second pause, then small chuckle, then a tiny eye roll* It’s been four games since he’s changed his stance, and he hasn’t played anywhere close to every day, so this is a very mild, “I’m interested, but he needs to do a lot more for a extended period of time with some everyday at-bats, before I’m truly interested.” Better? Absolutely. Fixed? No way to say that yet.
Rowdy Tellez – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 26th homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games. Reading in a rote fashion, “I love you, Rowdy.” That’s me reading off the Tellez-strator.
Jake Fraley – 2-for-2, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (7) and legs (2), as he continues to hit leadoff, and carries his hot schmotatoness into the new week. That’s now four homers in the last week, two homers in two games, and this is enough reason to pick him up.
Mike Moustakas – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Mostsuckass!
Evan Longoria – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs. Also, in this game, Randal Grichuk (2-for-5, 2 RBIs) hit his 13th, and Brian Serven (1-for-4, 2 RBIs) hit his 6th. For the largest collection ever assembled of players described as, “Really only good because they were in Coors.”
Elehuris Montero – 1-for-5 hit his 4th homer, and nearly clumped him in with the hodgepodge of bleh in the previous blurb, but he also homered twice two games previous, so Montero might just be hot as hell, and not as in a Lil Nas X video.
Tyler Mahle – Hit the IL with shoulder inflammation. That T. Mahle is no bueno.
Kohei Arihara – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.31. Against mine and the Streamonator‘s better judgment, I picked up Arihara for his next start. This will end very, very poorly.
Marcus Semien – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer, hitting .234. Semien with a jack off…. Um…this is an awkward point to be looking up who he got that off of…um…Oh, shoot…Um…Joe Ryan (6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.86). Sorry, bad timing there!
Nathaniel Lowe – 2-for-5 and his 18th homer, hitting .295. He was in Friday’s Buy, and this is his 2nd homer in the last four games. Get Lowe, Lil’ Jon.
Braxton Garrett – Hit the IL with an oblique strain. Braxton can unbreak a heart, but not an oblique, sadly.
Sandy Alcantara – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 2.19. Dodgers trying to knock Sandy off his sportsbook-Cy-Young-favorite perch for their teammate, Gonsolin. I don’t have Sandy in any leagues, and, possibly related to that, would like to see him shut down for next year.
JJ Bleday – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 4th homer. Yeah, okay, but he’s got five ribbies now, so la di dah!
Dustin May – 5 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 9 Ks, ERA as he was activated from the IL. Already gave you my Dustin May fantasy. It was written while making a hat, broach and pterodactyl out of a weather bulletin.
Max Muncy – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. Also, in this game, Cody Bellinger (1-for-4, 2 RBIs) hit his 17th homer. Dodgers beating the Marlins with the C-Team, starring B.A. Brokeass 1 and 2.
Albert Pujols – 1-for-1 on Sunday, and his 12th and 13th homer on Saturday, and at 692 on his career. I absolutely want him to get to 700 homers, but I also would find it kinda amazing if he ended the year with 699 homers, and the Cards were like, “Eff it, we’re giving him a day-to-day contract next year until he gets 700,” then everyone was watching Pujols’s chase next April.
Lars Nootbaar – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 7th homer, and his 2nd homer in four games, as he hit leadoff. Nootbaar is quite the snack, and a hot schmotato.
JP Sears – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 1.93. Love me some Jasee Penny Sears ever since I picked him up and began to do the stream thing with him. Also, I gave you a JP Sears fantasy when he was first called up. Act like you know, MC Lyte!
Austin Pruitt – 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 4.78, and his 1st save. In a very post-modern way, the A’s don’t have a closer, as much as a pitcher who pitches at the end of the game.
Charlie Morton – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.99. Morton handled Astros’ McCormick especially well, until they stopped the game, pointing at the No Pepper Games allowed sign. After a brief consultation, and tasting sesh, they resumed with Mrs. Dash clearing them.
Matt Olson – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 26th homer. Put my mihrab facing Mecca, giving all praise to Allahson.
Spencer Strider – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.95 vs. Cristian Javier – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.88. This matchup as billed as, “I farkin love these forkers!”
Yasmani Grandal – Hit the IL with a knee strain. It happened when his knee buckled under his enormous amount of suckitude.
Johnny Cueto – 8 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.58. This year’s Johnny Cueto performance is on par with the greatest WTFs in the history of WTFs. Cueto’s WTF slots in between, “Some people think O.J. Simpson is still innocent,” and, “Greg Brady hooked up with Mrs. Brady in real-life.” A top five WTF.
Eduardo Rodriguez – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.89. Hey, so he disappeared for three months like a 22-year-old on a bad acid trip. He’s back now, and I absolutely would roster him.
Riley Greene – 2-for-2, 2 runs and his 4th homer, hitting .234. Don’t get hot now and ruin your 2023 draft price.
Reid Detmers – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.66. Damn, he was coasting along on his revised slider, then he ran into the 8 Mile Tigers. Streamonator hates his next one, and I agree.
Shohei Ohtani – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 2.83, 0-for-1. Left with a stomach bug. Damn, he’s the one Angels player who doesn’t need help manufacturing runs.
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